You may not want to watch, this isn't going to be pretty

I hate most of my underwear. I like them at first. Buy dozens of pairs. And then I wash them a few times or I gain a few pounds and I hate them again. They feel constricting. They rub my scars the wrong way. A few steps results in a wedgie. And now that i constantly feel bloated, I feel them cutting into me something fierce. So, the thought of being pregnant meant that I was well within my right to break out the granny panties that I save only for when Aunt Flow visits and wear them everyday. Of course, they are still cute GAP boyshort underwear but they are left over from my super fat days so they are nice and roomy considering a once larger body filled them and they are stretched to maximum capacity. I only have 4 pairs left so I do a lot of laundry and they are starting to show lots of wear and tear which makes me sad.

Anyway, I got a Kohl's circular in the mail last week so I made Stew go with me after dinner telling him that I really wanted to buy some really big giant underwear. Yup, nothing says "check that fun couple out, I wanna be like them" like a nice Mexican meal followed by midnight excursions to Kohl's. Yeeeeehaaa! Stew left me alone in the store for a little while but then he got bored and found me. I hadn't even made it to the bra/underwear section yet. It's sort of depressing shopping now because I know in a few months or less whatever I buy will make its way to the back of the closet and never be worn again for a very long time.

After picking up what appeared to be a very large and comfy nightgown I informed Stew that I was going to go look at underwear. I saw his eyes light up and then I dashed his hopes and dreams by informing him that they would be REALLY BIG undewear. "You may not want to watch, this won't be pretty," I said waving my hand towards a department he might enjoy more until I realized my hand was waving towards the purse section. Hell, even that was was going to be better than what I was about to do which was defile any notion of sexiness I had left in my marriage. He took the hint and walked away.

He returned a short time later while I was trying to decide if I should just go big or ALL OUT BIG. I decided to go ALL out and we made our way to the register. And to add insult to injury, I asked him for his Khol's card to pay because I had a coupon for an extra 15% off that I could only use with a card. Hey, I paid the bill when it came. I'm not that cruel.

The next morning after I my shower, I tore into my package of new underwear. I marveled at exactly how big they were which appeared to be about half the size of my pillow. I put them on and pulled them up to my neck. I still had plenty of room in my droopy drawers. Overcome with how comfortable they were, I began to dance around and swivel my hips like Elvis watching the excess fabric wave in the breeze. I stood at the top of the stairs and saw Stew plugging away on his laptop.

"Oh, Steee----ewwwww," I said. And when he looked up, I did my dance again and sang, "look at my gigantic underwear swinging in the breeze, hanging to my knees."

He only laughed. Because, really, what else could he do? Crying at the unsexiness would have been unacceptable.