Friday, January 2, 2009

The point..... not the point I was hoping for

So, apparently, long gone are the days of lamaze classes. Welcome to the age of "birthing preparation classes" where they pack everything into two three hour sessions from 7 - 10 p.m. (Like I can go that long without eating or needing a nap) all for the tune of $225. I flip flopped back and forth on taking these classes. Really, with the internet, I can learn about anything I want. Plus, my What to Expect book is like my bible. Really, my biggest fear is that I will be in labor and some nurse will say to me, "do your breathing exercises" and I will have to mimic whatever I saw in Baby Mamma.

So, after some pre-registration, I was told to bring two bed pillows and a watch that counts seconds to the first class which is a mere 24 days before my due date. Last minute Sally. "Do our cellphones count seconds?" I asked Stew. Looks like we'll be hitting up Walmart soon for a stop watch.

Happy that I was going to be prepared, yet still bitter about the $225, I went back to Court. One of the Public Defenders came up to me and eyed me up and down. "I may get in trouble for what I am about to ask you, but are you pregnant?" See, for a while now I have not acknowledged the fact I am pregnant until someone asks. I've just been letting everyone go under the guise that I gained a lot of weight in the past few months. It didn't help matters that I got "Girl Spread" before I got a belly. From the way I waddle now and often put my hand on my stomach while I grimace in pain due to getting kicked in the ribs hourly, I would imagine these movements would give it away. Not to mention how my badge sometimes moves all by itself thanks to a healthy kick or punch. So, yes, I'm either pregnant or the Matrix. I resisted the urge to burst out in tears telling her that I just got fat and I wish people would stop asking me that. But, she is so sweet, I couldn't do this to her so I fessed up that I, indeed, was knocked up.

"Have you gotten to the THE POINT yet?" She asked. I told her if she meant the point of uncomfortableness and just wanting the baby out, then yes. She said The Point meant the day she woke up in a panic screaming bloody murder until all her nieghbors came to see what was going on and she was having a nervous breakdown.

"Um, no, I haven't gotten to that point yet."

"Good," she said. "And whatever you do, DO NOT take a birthing class. I went to one and never went back."

I wish she told me this about ten minutes earlier.

2 comments:

Fancy Pancakes said...

Heh heh. This post made me chuckle.
I'm taking Hypnobirthing instead of the Stamford Hospital class... I want to know everything they tell you!
A good friend of mine (she's a doctor in Oregon) said hypnobirthing was very helpful in keeping her focused, and what I think I need most is to stay calm and not freak out, bc I tend to freak out about medical stuff. Like, you have to hold me down to give me a strep throat culture.
I saw my sister's 3 kids born, so I feel comfortable with basic birth stuff and figured why not try the hypnobirthing.
My husband is so not into the hypnobirthing idea, but I am hoping the class just teaches you how to relax in a stressful situation, bc I am really not that new agey.
I've been reading up on birth recently, thinking, um, just in case I go early, I kinda want to know what the hell is going on.
I have a feeling I'm going to be late though. I'm far too comfy at 31.5 weeks to think this baby will want out in 8 weeks.
Whatever. I have nothing ready for this baby, so I am in no hurry. Literally, I have like, 2 burp cloths.

Julie said...

Friends of mine used a doola and loved it....just a thought!