So, apparently, long gone are the days of lamaze classes. Welcome to the age of "birthing preparation classes" where they pack everything into two three hour sessions from 7 - 10 p.m. (Like I can go that long without eating or needing a nap) all for the tune of $225. I flip flopped back and forth on taking these classes. Really, with the internet, I can learn about anything I want. Plus, my What to Expect book is like my bible. Really, my biggest fear is that I will be in labor and some nurse will say to me, "do your breathing exercises" and I will have to mimic whatever I saw in Baby Mamma.
So, after some pre-registration, I was told to bring two bed pillows and a watch that counts seconds to the first class which is a mere 24 days before my due date. Last minute Sally. "Do our cellphones count seconds?" I asked Stew. Looks like we'll be hitting up Walmart soon for a stop watch.
Happy that I was going to be prepared, yet still bitter about the $225, I went back to Court. One of the Public Defenders came up to me and eyed me up and down. "I may get in trouble for what I am about to ask you, but are you pregnant?" See, for a while now I have not acknowledged the fact I am pregnant until someone asks. I've just been letting everyone go under the guise that I gained a lot of weight in the past few months. It didn't help matters that I got "Girl Spread" before I got a belly. From the way I waddle now and often put my hand on my stomach while I grimace in pain due to getting kicked in the ribs hourly, I would imagine these movements would give it away. Not to mention how my badge sometimes moves all by itself thanks to a healthy kick or punch. So, yes, I'm either pregnant or the Matrix. I resisted the urge to burst out in tears telling her that I just got fat and I wish people would stop asking me that. But, she is so sweet, I couldn't do this to her so I fessed up that I, indeed, was knocked up.
"Have you gotten to the THE POINT yet?" She asked. I told her if she meant the point of uncomfortableness and just wanting the baby out, then yes. She said The Point meant the day she woke up in a panic screaming bloody murder until all her nieghbors came to see what was going on and she was having a nervous breakdown.
"Um, no, I haven't gotten to that point yet."
"Good," she said. "And whatever you do, DO NOT take a birthing class. I went to one and never went back."
I wish she told me this about ten minutes earlier.