So, apparently, long gone are the days of lamaze classes. Welcome to the age of "birthing preparation classes" where they pack everything into two three hour sessions from 7 - 10 p.m. (Like I can go that long without eating or needing a nap) all for the tune of $225. I flip flopped back and forth on taking these classes. Really, with the internet, I can learn about anything I want. Plus, my What to Expect book is like my bible. Really, my biggest fear is that I will be in labor and some nurse will say to me, "do your breathing exercises" and I will have to mimic whatever I saw in Baby Mamma.
So, after some pre-registration, I was told to bring two bed pillows and a watch that counts seconds to the first class which is a mere 24 days before my due date. Last minute Sally. "Do our cellphones count seconds?" I asked Stew. Looks like we'll be hitting up Walmart soon for a stop watch.
Happy that I was going to be prepared, yet still bitter about the $225, I went back to Court. One of the Public Defenders came up to me and eyed me up and down. "I may get in trouble for what I am about to ask you, but are you pregnant?" See, for a while now I have not acknowledged the fact I am pregnant until someone asks. I've just been letting everyone go under the guise that I gained a lot of weight in the past few months. It didn't help matters that I got "Girl Spread" before I got a belly. From the way I waddle now and often put my hand on my stomach while I grimace in pain due to getting kicked in the ribs hourly, I would imagine these movements would give it away. Not to mention how my badge sometimes moves all by itself thanks to a healthy kick or punch. So, yes, I'm either pregnant or the Matrix. I resisted the urge to burst out in tears telling her that I just got fat and I wish people would stop asking me that. But, she is so sweet, I couldn't do this to her so I fessed up that I, indeed, was knocked up.
"Have you gotten to the THE POINT yet?" She asked. I told her if she meant the point of uncomfortableness and just wanting the baby out, then yes. She said The Point meant the day she woke up in a panic screaming bloody murder until all her nieghbors came to see what was going on and she was having a nervous breakdown.
"Um, no, I haven't gotten to that point yet."
"Good," she said. "And whatever you do, DO NOT take a birthing class. I went to one and never went back."
I wish she told me this about ten minutes earlier.
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2 comments:
Heh heh. This post made me chuckle.
I'm taking Hypnobirthing instead of the Stamford Hospital class... I want to know everything they tell you!
A good friend of mine (she's a doctor in Oregon) said hypnobirthing was very helpful in keeping her focused, and what I think I need most is to stay calm and not freak out, bc I tend to freak out about medical stuff. Like, you have to hold me down to give me a strep throat culture.
I saw my sister's 3 kids born, so I feel comfortable with basic birth stuff and figured why not try the hypnobirthing.
My husband is so not into the hypnobirthing idea, but I am hoping the class just teaches you how to relax in a stressful situation, bc I am really not that new agey.
I've been reading up on birth recently, thinking, um, just in case I go early, I kinda want to know what the hell is going on.
I have a feeling I'm going to be late though. I'm far too comfy at 31.5 weeks to think this baby will want out in 8 weeks.
Whatever. I have nothing ready for this baby, so I am in no hurry. Literally, I have like, 2 burp cloths.
Friends of mine used a doola and loved it....just a thought!
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