I guess the reality of it all finally starting to settle in. It seemed like a weird dream for so many months, even as I felt the beginning flutters of movement and heard a hearbeat, it still didn't feel real. But, it started to sink in the other day as we were looking at old ultrasound pictures of her; that I am hatching a human inside me. And to think, I used to think it was cool to watch my Sea Monkeys grow. So, with all the thinking and anxiety, and lack of sleep, and bigger clothes, I have been a touch more hormonal than I have been the last two trimesters. An attorney said to me the other day, "you are a mother from the moment you find out you are pregnant because you immediately start rearranging your life and caring for your child." He went on to tell me how that sort of thinking never stops because his 20 year-old daughter is home from college and his wife is already rerranging her schedule around her daughter's. And even my mom juggles some appointments around so she can come to doctor's appointments and ultrasounds with me.
I have begun to hope for things. Mainly, hoping that we're doing everything right so far. Sure, I am good about my vitamins, taking it easy when I know I'm tapped out, eating right and frequently (from the size of my butt), getting superb prenatal care, supporting her growth; but I have a wishlist of things that I hope she's getting while she's baking.
I hope that she:
Recognizes our voices and knows how to tell them apart from the ones she hears in Court everyday.
Is not affected by all the crazy stuff she hears everyday.
Is aware how much she is loved already by grandparents, nephews, aunts and uncles.
Can tell how much her daddy makes her mommy laugh and what a wonderful, patient soul he is and if she is smart, she will find a man just like him.
Knows that her parents are pretty laid back and want what's best for her but know there will be mistakes and bumps along the way.
Understands that we're new at this too and we're scared.
She has a good sense of humor.
She has a good head on her shoulders.
She'll be curious but cautious.
She knows that we are doing our best to teach her what we learned.
That not a day goes by when we don't look at her picture and dream about finally holding her.
That we have tons of stuff we can't wait to show her and places to take her.
She gets along with everyone and makes friends as easily as her mom and dad.
Has the common sense to tell who she can trust and who to stay away from.
That we have tons of stories and pictures to share with her about the love and memories that got her to this place.
That I may complain about the kicking and the big belly but I love knowing she is with me and I am never alone.